


Boundary Issues

by VastDerp



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, Hornth, Innuendo, M/M, Spying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-11
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-19 06:18:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/197876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska: Bug Karkat's respiteblock to humiliate him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boundary Issues

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]

CA: is it ready or wwhat its showwtime  
AG: Calm down. He only just left the room.  
CA: but is it ready  
CA: i wwanna start this off wwhile shes still here  
AG: God! Could you be any more path8tic?  
AG: I never said I was gonna help matchmake.  
AG: I just want a laugh before we all die horri8bly.  
CA: sure vvris wwhatevver you say  
CA: hey howws your human  
CA: oh right hes still followwin kar around like a baby quackbeast  
CA: hmm seein that candy red ship sail wwhile gettin back at the lowwbloods wwouldnt be a fuckin bonus thrill at all am i right  
CA: nope nothin personal  
AG: God!!!!!!!! You are s8ch an 8ssh8le. Enjoying being forevver alone, Dualtard?  
CA: yeah ok bitchfang  
CA: lovve hurts  
AG: U88888888H! Hipster hypocr8te! HIPSTERCR8TE! You want this way more than I do and you know it!!!!!!!!  
AG: Now turn up the speakers and qu8t bugging me.

  
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

\---

Of course Sollux had been on to the whole bugging-Karkat's-room thing before the bot was even activated. There were certain subtle clues that some kind of plan was being hatched, and that it involved him.

Like Equius building the fucking listening device right there in the main computer lab. And the way he sweated when Karkat asked him what was going on, and ran off in search of a fresh towel. After weeks of being in unpleasantly close quarters with the blueblooded bag of douche, Sollux could tell guilty perspiration when he saw it.

And seriously, this was the single worst thing about sGRUB. He was now able to interpret Equius's sweat as a form of communication. And so help him, if he could hack into his brain and delete that knowledge after all of this was over, life would be so much less shitty.

No, wait. Dying horribly from the Glub along with the rest of his entire species had been pretty bad too. Actually, it had probably sucked worse. Definitely worse. Goddamn, it had been the worst thing ever. So, make that _two_ things he regretted the most about sGrub.

But anyway, back to the retarded conspiracy.

The major tip-off that something was about to happen was that Vriska and Eridan were being nice to him. Come the fuck _on._ Might as well spell it out with a million stupid 8s and extra Ws.

So Sollux Captor, never one to miss a reason to be angry at the two people (and one horse fetishist, which hardly counted) he hated the most platonically of all trolls ever, was already considering the spying situation long before a tiny crab-legged robot scuttled across Karkat's floor from the hallway. This had to be the bug. It had a finger-shaped dent near the back, as if someone had tried to give it a STRONG nudge to get it going.

_Ughhhh._

He just watched the thing as it bumped his shoe (the black one), fell over, scampered to its feet, and hurled itself noisily into a pile of broken keyboards in the middle of the floor. The keyboard pile was technically Sollux's mess, even if most of them _were_ here only because they were cracked from headdesking and/or missing caps lock keys. And yeah, it had been pointed out to him before that there was plenty of space on the asteroid to put YOUR GODDAMN HACKER TRASH that were _not_ KK's PERSONAL FUCKING SPACE. But Sollux had quickly discovered that watching KK trip over other people's shit and throw a huge wriggler tantrum was the best part of being stuck on this lousy goddamn stupid asteroid, so KK could just _suck it_ , thank you very much.

And if the keyboard pile happened to grow mysteriously or shift position on the floor between temper tantrums, kicking the fun up a notch every now and then, well.... It was Karkat's own stupid fault for letting Sollux stay in his quarters in the first place, wasn't it? It was Sollux's professional opinion as the team's technical advisor, system admin and occasional all-time video game champion that Fearless Leader could just _suck it even more_.

The scuttling bot got itself good and buried in the keyboard pile, and there was a tiny whir as it shifted to listening mode. _So that's their game,_ he thought. _Eavesdropping on KK? He's going to throw a double clusterfuck when I tell him._

KK wasn't here at the moment. Doing some kind of stupid leader stuff in the lab, probably at top volume, while Sollux messed around with programming instead of going back to his own area. In his defense, the last time he had set foot in the transportalizer room, Nepeta had been rolling around on the Gemini platform with a face full of yarn and too-bright eyes that promised all kinds of tiresome feline-based mischief, and he had a headache with PLEASE SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS written all over it. Who knew how long it would take her to wander off?

Being a recluse kind of sucks when you share a lab with the entire population of two separate species.

 _Bugging his room,_ he mused again. _Why, though?_ Maybe they didn't get enough of Karkat's bitching in the computer lab. No, that was stupid. Something was going on here.

The huge bitch and the hipster were probably up there right now, being in cahoooooooots or cah8ts or however the hell the loony girl spelled it.

 _Vriska_. Just thinking about her right now was enough to make him want to smash the entire keyboard pile against the ceiling in one big purple flash of light. Maybe over and over again, until it rained f1 keys and broken pieces of spy equipment.

And he really _should_ trash the bug--but wait. If he did that, they would know they were caught and just try something less obvious next time. Better to wait for KK to return and see what he had to say on the matter.

So he pulled out a handheld computer, leaned back against the wall, and began to type.

\---

"All right, FIRST of all--" Karkat began, "It's not like that. Second of all, you are FUCKING RETARDED. And third of all, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT."

"Oh come on, Karkles. You're together every single day." Terezi might be blind, but she knew exactly where to look for that goddamn eyebrow tilt to hit home like a tiny arrow of bitchy bitchness. "You don't have to hide it from us anymore."

"I..." Karkat felt himself briefly at a loss for words. This happened sometimes, but was usually followed by an overcompensatory flood, so whatever. "WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS DISCUSSION?"

This had to be the afterlife. He had died of some kind of agonizing brain aneurysm, probably brought on by dealing with the horde of cretins he had the miserable shame of calling his team. And this was his own special little dream bubble of eternally incompetent horrorterrors.

Actually he was in the computer lab. In the weeks since they'd hidden in the Veil, it had become the unofficial hub for all ferocious leaderly speeches. Even if most of his underlings were playing what looked like Troll Tetris on their computers while he ranted and raved, they were still here GODDAMMIT. And now the humans were here too, and it was important to let them see--especially Rose, who was clearly the brains of their own pitiful Earth operation--that he. Was in. Control.

This was going to require the kind of yelling that often left him raspy for days.

"Because you two are always bickering." Terezi said casually, and the grinning bitch was actually ticking off fingers. "You spend all your time snuggling in your part of the lab together. And you can't shut up about each other."

"NOT FUCKING FUNNY, TEREZI." Karkat snarled. "As your elected leader--"

"I didn't wote for you," interjected Eridan from his customary spot at the far end of the lab.

"--As your DIVINELY CHOSEN FUCKING LEADER," Karkat bellowed, "I am hereby ordering you to stop being fucking insane." He knew Terezi couldn't see him pointing at her face, but he didn't care. Had to make this impressive for everyone else even if she never respected his authority. "Right here, right now."

Equius gave a snort of disbelief from where he sat, surrounded by little chunks of broken plastic and metal. Whatever he'd been building, he'd finished nearly an hour ago, and was dabbing at his forehead with yet another disgusting towel. "AND YOU," Karkat continued, and swung the finger of doom his way, "Effective immediately, you are banned from LIFE. Go find a dark corner and just wait there to die. This is not open for debate. Take all the towels you need, just GO."

Which Equius didn't. Of course.

"Why are you so upset? I think it's cute." Feferi. Oh, god. Not Feferi. "You're so close," she glubbed.

Yelling at her was like--like-- "AAAAAGH! I AM NOT UPSET!" He directed this at the wall behind her, but she did that innocent sad face again and this just pissed him off more than he already was. "I am TRYING to salvage what little dignity remains to me after you all get done trampling me with your daily dose of the ENDLESS FUCKING DRAMA that passes for social interaction in this fucksmear of a Veil and... and... I AM NOT FUCKING SOLLUX _FUCKING_ CAPTOR."

And this set Terezi off again. Karkat was dimly aware through his haze of rage that he could have counted her teeth. If he had an hour to waste, anyway. How the hell did she do that? Did it make brushing easier? Could she eat a whole apple at once?

"Excuse me, Mr. Vantas." And oh GREAT, now the grimdark one was getting in on the fun. She and the other three humans had been content, until now, to merely watch the fireworks with the usual baffled monkey idiot faces. But now Rose had broken the ice, and he was pretty sure this day would forever be marked as The End Of Happiness And Peace As Karkat Vantas Knew It. Which wasn't saying much. And he was also pretty sure if he kept yelling he was going to get another nosebleed right here in front of everyone.

"WHAT." He rounded on Rose, expecting her to crumble into tears in the full face of his wrath. But she didn't. Actually, she kind of rolled her stupid white eyes and kept looking like a total moron. "WHAT. THE FUCK. DO YOU HAVE TO ADD TO THIS FESTERING SOUP. OF A TEAM DISCUSSION."

"Hey, come on--" John protested from behind Rose. "Karkat, don't be like that with my designated Earth Fiancee."

"YOU TAKE EVERY WORD OF YOUR PLANNED WHINEFEST AND STUFF THEM WHERE THE MOONS DON'T SHINE, EGBERT, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD." Karkat didn't even look at his (Friend? Kismesis? Co-leader?) pain-in-the-nook human counterpart. "What were you going to say, Rose. Spit it out so I can go back to hating your entire mistake of a species in silence."

"Actually, I was going to ask which quadrant you guys were in. Kanaya has been kind enough to explain them, but I'm afraid I am still somewhat new to troll romance."

"What... quadrant..." Karkat hissed. "What, me and Captor? You must be joking. You must be DEAF--"

"Not yet, she isn't," Vriska drawled, and wiggled a finger in the ear facing her team leader, "But I think _I_ might be getting there."

"--because you would HAVE TO BE DEAF to have missed the last TEN MINUTES of this entire fucking mutinous SHAME-ORGY--"

"Now there's a mental image," Dave commented from his (ironic) game of Tetris. He didn't even bother to look up.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP COOLKID. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO OPEN A FUCKING AIRLOCK AND IMPROVE YOUR SPECIES THE HARD WAY."

"Whatever bro."

"Now," Karkat continued, spinning back to face Rose. She looked unflustered and completely curious. "As for quadrants. Let me spell this out for you, just once, to get you OFF MY BULGE once and for all. You know the one called NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS? That's where me and Captor live. We even hung little frilly curtains in the kitchen window. We are not in a quadrant, is what I mean to say, you simpleminded bunch of ASSHOLES. We are unquadranted. If quadrants were a little white pony with a heart on its ass, Captor and I would be launching that pony through the stars toward your planet on a meteor."

"Funny story, actually--" John piped up. This time it was Rose who hushed him. "Go on," she said. "This is educational."

"There IS no 'go on'. The pony is launched. The heart symbol on its ass is now flaming charcoal. Go fuck yourselves. There is no 'us'."

"The heart is one of the bucket quadrants," John confided to Jade, proud of his multicultural progress. She nodded solemnly as reflected Tetris pieces rained down across the lenses of her giant eyeglasses.

The room went silent. Even the humans looked scandalized, for once in their soft pink monkey lives.

Jade just blinked. "Yeah, but I don't think those two are in that quadrant. They really do fight a lot. There's another bucket in the hate-love zone, right? They're probably filling that one."

The silence got even silenter. Karkat Vantas actually _heard_ something in his head give a tiny _pop_ , and then every drop of freakish blood in his body raced to his head at once. The breath he'd saved up for his next diatribe escaped in a single, audible _paffff_.

\---

"I am going," Karkat said in a funny soft voice that none of them (except John, once) had ever heard before, "to go find the nearest load gaper. I am going to stand over it and void the entire contents of my alimentary tract through my face."

"Karkat, jeez, we didn't mean to--" John tried to save the situation, but Karkat’s weird new calm rage was having none of it.

"--I am going to vomit up things I ate before playing this stupid game. Things my ancestors ate. I am going to throw up the entire history of my genetic lineage in one glorious retch. And then I am going to kneel down and drown myself in it. I won't even flush first. That is how much I have given up on life. Thank you, Jade Human. Thank you for showing me the light."

He left the room via transportalizer.

"That..." Terezi finally whispered, breaking the stunned silence, "was the single most delicious face I have ever smelled."

"So does that mean they're doing it with the black bucket?" Jade asked again, before her head and upper body pitched forward and thudded into the keyboard of her own computer. She let out a single long snore. Her Troll Tetris game screen filled with neglected pieces and began to flash GAME OVER.

For once, no one had the presence of mind to scold Vriska.

\---

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: kk ii need two talk two you a2ap, where are you?  
CG: OH GREAT.  
CG: JUST WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT NOW. MORE BULLSHIT FROM A DROOLING SUBORDINATE.  
TA: ehehehe ok who pii22ed iin kk2 grubloaf twoday?  
CG: HOW MANY IDIOTS LIVE ON THIS ASTEROID? ALL OF THOSE. IT WAS A HUGE PARTY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WEREN'T INVITED. OH WAIT BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU. BUT DON'T WORRY, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE SAVED YOU THE LEFTOVERS SO YOU CAN PISS ON THEM AND STILL FEEL LIKE PART OF THE GROUP.  
TA: keep talkiing iim defiiniitely readiing every word, iit2 fa2ciinatiing lmao.  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, FUCKASS? I'M BUSY.  
TA: iim iin your room, you should come down here...  
TA: on the double.  
CG: STOP. JUST STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE SUNGLASSES JOKE, YOU ARE BANNED FOREVER FROM TRYING TO BE FUNNY IN ANY CAPACITY OTHER THAN THE UNINTENTIONAL FLOOD OF HILARITY THAT INEVITABLY SPEWS FORTH WHEN YOU SAY ANYTHING AT ALL EVER.  
TA: all riight fiine, FUCK  
TA: iim 2eriiou2 a22hole, get down here and dont talk when you do, the room ii2 bugged for 2ound.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. MEDS ASSHOLE DO YOU TAKE THEM.  
TA: yeah that2 never not funny kk, 2o glad youre iin charge here  
CG: GLAD SOMEONE ADMITS IT.  
TA: whatever iim ju2t 2aviing your a22 no need two act liike a decent per2on and thank me, anyway anythiing you have two 2ay, type iit for now 2iince as ii ju2t poiinted out the wall2 have ear2, ok maybe iit2 the keyboard piile that ha2 bug2 but you get the iidea.  
CG: GOGDAMMIT CAPTOR I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP, YOU BOILING DOUCHE. WHY ARE YOU STILL EVEN THERE IF YOU AREN'T PICKING UP YOUR STUPID COMPUTER TARDPILE OFF MY FUCKING FLOOR???  
TA: catgiirl hazard iin the tp room, iim not faciing her wiith thii2 headache.  
TA: be glad ii wa2 here when hii2 2tupiid 2py bug 2howed up and get the fuck iin here.  
TA: and watch out for yarn.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

\---

Nepeta, still curled up on Sollux's platform, knew better than to approach Karkat when his face was that red. She watched with predatory interest through a wad of tangled string as her favorite nubby-horned jerk in Paradox Space stormed past without even an angry snarl in her direction and stepped on his the Cancer symbol. He was gone in a very angry white flash. Nepeta wasted no time. She flung aside the snarls of yarn, dashed up the stairs to the computer lab, and found a seat in front of a dead monitor to Vriska's immediate right.

"Are we doing it?" she whispered, leaning close.

"Goddamn, is EVERYONE going to ask me that? It's still connecting!" the biggest bitch in paradox space gave an annoyed hairflip, but never turned around from her screen. "The device is in place but the connection is laggy. I think it's because of all the metal between his room and here."

"Too bad you can't get the network guy to fix it," Nepeta giggled. It was hard to keep her voice down when she was so thrilled to be in cahoots like this. Cahoooo... shit, she lost count.

"Fuck him. It's just a stupid feed! I can set it up myself." Vriska tapped a few keys, hard. "Cool your jets. He was mad as shit when he left here. We have plenty of time." And her teeth actually glinted in a satisfied grin. "You know what he's like when he's mad."

 _Oh yessss._ Nepeta's eyes narrowed. She knew, all right. And her shipping wall was just begging to be updated.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

CG: OKAY, ASSHOLE. WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? WHERE'S THE FUCKING BUG?  
TA: you cant 2ee iit, iit2 buriied in keyboard2.  
CG: I'M GUESSING THIS IS WHAT MR. PERVSPIRATION WAS BUILDING IN THE LAB. REMIND ME TO JETTISON WHAT REMAINS OF HIS HOOFBEAST-PORN-LOVING ASS INTO THE EARTH SUN AS SOON AS I FINISH KICKING IT INTO LITTLE BLUE SPLASHES OF JELLY. HOW DID THE FUCKING THING EVEN GET IN HERE?  
TA: 2tubby liitle crab leg2.  
CG: SCRAWNY LISPING SPERGLORD.  
TA: no you iin2ufferable nook2niiffer iim telliing you that2 how it got in, iit walked  
CG: OH.  
CG: SO WHY'S HE SPYING ON US? THIS IS BEYOND HIS USUAL SCOPE OF DERANGED IMAGINATION.  
TA: 2piiderbiitch.  
CG: OH NO NO NO FUCK NOT HER AGAIN, WE HAD A TRUCE.  
TA: and the priince of tard2.  
CG: SHIIIIIT.  
CG: AND I'M GUESSING IT'S BROADCASTING ALREADY.  
TA: no ii ju2t liike iit when you shut up for liike two 2econds, of cour2e iit2 liive you iidiiot. and gue22 where the 2iignal ii2 feediing two.  
CG: THE FUCKING COMPUTER LAB, RIGHT??? THEY'VE GOT A LIVE FEED TO THE COMPUTER LAB.  
CG: THOSE LITTLE FUCKING INGRATES. AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR THEIR SORRY WORTHLESS ASSES THEY CAN'T EVEN STOP SHIPPING THEIR OWN LEADER WITH THE TEAM'S WORST LOSER.  
TA: ye2 iim completely 2hamed, you have 2hamed me. ii2 thii2 about the quadrant hoofbea2t2hiit agaiin?  
CG: YES, WHICH MAKES THIS MOSTLY YOUR FAULT. YOU NEVER DENIED IT.  
TA: blow iit out your nook, iim not talkiing to anybody about anythiing two do wiith my per2onal priivate liife.  
TA: be2iide2, you wii2h you could have allll thiiii2222, they are ju2t piickiing up on what youre throwiing out liike a blu2hiing wriiggler seeiing her fiir2t romcom.  
CG: UGH.  
CG: OH YEAH, I JUST REMEMBERED I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO THROW UP A LOT AND THEN DROWN MYSELF IN THE LOAD GAPER. THANKS FOR THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA THAT IS YOUR TWISTED EROTIC DAYDREAM. IT WILL REALLY HELP GET THAT GAG REFLEX GOING.  
CG: YOU FUCKING PERVERT.  
TA: ehehehe okay iill be sure to 2ob over your liifele22 body and be all deva2tated.  
TA: but before that, what do ii do about the bug?  
TA: 2hould ii zap iit?  
CG: YEAH, AND I'LL GO HANDLE THE IDIOTS AFTER I'M DONE PUKING AND DYING AND PROBABLY COMING BACK AS SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP EMOTIONLESS GHOST TO HAUNT EVERY SINGLE USELESS ONE OF YOU FOR BASICALLY THE REST OF ETERNITY.  
CG: ACTUALLY WAIT!  
CG: DON'T WRECK IT YET.  
CG: I JUST HAD AN IDEA.

\---

"What are you guys talking about?" John asked, leaning over Vriska's shoulder to get a look. "What's the feed for?"

"Wouldn't YOU like to know?" Vriska sang. "It's a surprise, stupid. Now sit down and be patient." She ran one hand through her mass of hair, gave John a light pat on the cheek with the other to dismiss him, and turned back to her open Trollian window just in time to hear an aggravated snarl rip through the sound system.

_"Fuck no. I don't want to. I'm not in the mood for gameth."_

A small crackle of feedback rose, waned, buzzed low and finally cleared. At no point were the words themselves obscured.

 _"Who asked what YOU wanted?"_  
"Thith ith thtupid. I'm buthy. Fuck off."  
"NO WAY, ASSHOLE. LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD."  
"Get your dirty pawth off me! I'm trying to--"  
"PUT THAT STUPID HANDSET DOWN AND OW! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

The entire lab was now listening the magnified voices. Even Feferi, who had been napping on the horn pile, stirred from dark Outer Ring dreams with an obnoxious multi-HONK that briefly drowned out the audio feed. She cast huge confused eyes around the room. "Wha?" she blinked. "They're fighting _again?"_ But wait. They weren't in the room. The sound was coming from... Oh.

Rose had been trying to shake Jade awake for the past minute. Her hand was now frozen in place on Jade's shoulder. Jade herself continued to be asleep.

Nepeta moved to a live screen and opened Trollian. She began typing with the worst attempt at a casual expression Vriska had ever seen. Eridan had gone pale and was watching Feferi with eyes that were all shark smelling blood in the water and complete anticipation. John was mid-derp in silent bafflement. This was a moment of perfect balance, hanging in the exact spot between disbelief and all hell breaking loose. And then everyone heard the unmistakable sound of fabric tearing, and a high-pitched vocal _squeak_.

Oh nooooo.

Feferi made a little glubbing sound in the back of her throat. John blushed. Vriska and Eridan, in perfect agreement about something for the first time since their blackrom days, began visibly to gloat.

 _"THERE, YOU IDIOT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"_  
"Fucking let go of my--!"  
"HA! SEE, THIS IS WHY I'M THE LEADER AND YOU'RE THE TECH SUPPORT."  
"KK for the love of all that ith holy, I thwear I will--"

A sharp smacking noise. Somewhere in the lab, a recording device was transmitting what sounded like a obscenity-laden slapfight of epic proportions between Karkat Vantas and Sollux Captor. Terezi's grin, always present, always just a tiny bit less than completely insane, now threatened to encircle her entire head. Dave was still pointed at his own workspace, poker faced as always, clearly paying no attention to his growing tower of Tetris pieces. Rose's mouth was ever so slightly open, as if for once in her overly verbose life, the well had run dry.

 _"Okay, that'th it, you thuck and are bathically the wortht perthon and I am leaving now!"_  
"QUIT MOVING! THIS IS AN ORDER!"  
"Shove your orderth!"  
"OH NO YOU DON'T--"  
"Like fuck I--AHAAAAAHHHHHH whoa whoa whoa okay hold up time out--"

"Are they...?" John asked over a staticky barrage of slapping noises and one surprised moan.

Terezi clapped him on the back of the head instead of the shoulder she'd been aiming for, and let out a hyena bark of glee that drowned out the cry of pain this elicited from the very red-faced Heir of Breath. "Vriska," she cawed, "You are a complete _sociopath."_ Vriska nodded slowly, relished the compliment. "Shush, all of you. This is getting good."

 _"QUIT BEING SUCH A WRIGGLER--"_  
"AAAAAHHH-hh-handth off the h-hornth--"  
"--AND HOLD STILL!"  
"--Ow! MFFFF NGHFPHH you goddamn pffth ATHHOLE mmf--"

Equius was hunched low over his keyboard with both huge hands pressed over his mouth. Tiny rivulets of moisture had begun to flow down his forehead and collect in his heavy eyebrows. Vriska could not believe how blue his cheeks had turned. "Oh dear," her partner in crime muttered into his fingers, then cleared his throat with a wet HRRRK before he turned those cracked dark glasses her way. "Vriska, I know we had an agreement, but this is getting... unseemly."

 _"OW!"_  
"That wath your fault, KK--"  
"HOW ABOUT SHUTTING THE FUCK UP, SHITHEEL?"

Vriska had anticipated second thoughts from Equius, of course, and had armed herself accordingly. "What did you _think_ was gonna happen, stupid?" She flung the fresh towel with a hand well-practiced from sweeps of hurling enchanted dice. The towel hit him square in the face. It was fluffy and white and completely doomed.

 _"Nnnnnnf I thwear to MMMGF!"_  
"DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS."  
"Nnn-nff YOU ATHHOLE--"  
"YEOWCH!"  
"HAH! Therveth you right."  
"YOU FUCKING UNGRATEFUL TWO-TONED MORON--"  
"Inthecure wannabe nub-horned little tyrant--AGH!"  
"WHAT THE HELL--"  
"FINE! You wanted it, you got it! How do you like THITH?"  
"HEY. NO WAY--THAT'S NOT--FUUUCK--"

"Th... thank you." Equius finally mumbled from under the already damp fabric of the towel, and said no more. Vriska shushed him again anyway, on principle.

 _"AhhhhhhhhhhOW SHIT cut that out--"_  
"LISTEN TO YOU. ALL YOU DO IS BITCH, BITCH, BITCH. JUST FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, WILL YOU KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP?"  
"Thcrew you, Vantath. You don't have what it taketh to critithithe--"  
"HAHA! GOTCHA!"

There was a tremendous crashing sound that rattled the speakers. John could swear he felt the floor vibrate. He definitely saw blue and red sparks flaring up around the edges of Vriska's monitor. _Whoa._

Rose had left Jade to snore at her workspace and come up behind Eridan without a sound. The side of the lab where the higher caste trolls had set up their gear fell ominously quiet, save for the occasional flesh-on-flesh noises.

 _"YOU ARE SUCH A CLUMSY WASTE OF ECTOBIOLOGICAL PRODUCT IT SICKENS ME!"_  
"Shut up or I'll do it again--"  
"SHIT, I'M BLEEDING! LOOK AT THAT, YOU FUCKING CUT MY LIP--"  
"Poor fucking bab-aaaa--aaAAAGH OHMYGOD"  
"HA HA!"  
 **"What did I JUTHT THAY--"**  
"Nnnngh okay put me down you MADE YOUR POINT--"  
 **"ABOUT--"**  
"SOLLUX, FUCKING--"  
 **"--THE GODDAMNED--"**  
"SOLLUX SERIOUSLY PUT ME DOWN--"  
 **"--HORNTH!?"**

The floor shook again, harder this time. Several monitors lit up as they came out of sleep mode.

"Wulgar little show-off," Eridan muttered, still staring at Feferi.

\---

For a few seconds, all they heard was heavy breathing and the occasional muttered curse. Not all of it was coming from Vriska's computer.

"Please tell me you didn't do what everyone in this room knows you obviously did," Rose finally managed. Her expression was grim (but not grimdark, not yet anyway). She crossed her arms and glared down her perky ski-slope nose, first at the flushed and cringing Equius peeking out from under his sullied towel, then at the back of Vriska's head, finally at Eridan himself. At the look he was giving Feferi, in particular. "Eridan. You were in on this."

"Naturally," Eridan said, and sniffed. He did a lot of sniffing around Rose, mostly of the disdainful variety. It made her want to offer him a tissue. And then perhaps set him on fire. Eridan would never admit that he envied Rose's magic scientific acumen even more than he lusted after her and everyone else left on the asteroid who might give him the time of day. "We're just playing a prank on Kar, on account a his bitchy attitude."

"Shut it, you two." Vriska looked about ready to throw something larger--say, a comet--at her second co-conspirator. "Save the exposition for later, you're killing the mood."

John stared at the speakers. They were still sparking, but the yelps and swearing came through as clear as ever. Something about who was touching whose horns and who had started it in the firtht plathe.

And Karkat kept... gasping. As friendleader for the human side of this null session, John decided it was his job to pull his godhood as far over his face as it would go and run for his life. He was pretty sure he was beet red from neck to hairline. He also kind of wanted to go find a nice dark corner and hide in it for, uh, the rest of eternity, probably.

Yes, that was the answer. In fact, he would go right now. Before he heard another noise. That was definitely the right thing t--

_"OH. M-MY. GOD."  
"Ehehehe, finally he shutth up for two thecondth."_

Another red spark from Vriska's monitor.

Funny how John couldn't seem to move his legs.

\---

A partial description of things that happened in a brief moment of radio silence:

Zap. The transportalizer activated, and there was Kanaya. "Nepeta." she said, looking flustered, "I came as quickly as I could." She raised a freshly-alchemized conflagration nullification device. "Where is the fire?"

Zap. Kanaya was nearly knocked off the transportalizer by Tavros, still wobbly on his robot legs. The fire extinguisher clattered to the floor and rolled away. "Oops, uh, sorry," Tavros stammered, trying to help steady his friend. He only managed to push her into Rose, who had broken off her argument with the highbloods in the new commotion.

"Uh, sorry, again," he muttered. "I came to help Nepeta with the baby hopbeast she found, since, uh, she would probably just eat it..."

Zap. Tavros stepped off the transportalizer just in time, but he still almost went over due to startlement when Gamzee appeared with both lanky arms wrapped around a riot of festively colored plastic bottles. "Whoa, don't be all fallin' over!" the perpetually intoxicated clown lazily adjusted his grip to free one arm, but somehow still had time to catch Tavros by one of his ridiculous horns. In no time, the shorter troll was hauled upright and steadied. "Whoa, looks like Nepeta's motherfuckin' party is all up and started in here already. Where'd you want me to put all this wicket elixir, chica?"

"I do not see a fire in here, or any small injured animals for that matter. Nepeta...?"

The criminal meowstermind could barely contain her glee. She was about to give up the game herself when the sound of voices boomed out of the sound system again and quieted the confused babble.

 _"All right, athhole. I'm totally doing you now."_  
"THE FUCK YOU ARE. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!"  
"You are thuch a micromanaging control freak."  
"Well, yeah! I'm the LEADER!"  
"Yeah, and we're all very imprethhed."  
"GODDAMN IT CAPTOR, IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW AND BLOW ME OR SOMETHING--"  
"Ath IF."  
"--LIKE VRISKA BLOWS EVERY CHANCE SHE EVER GETS AT BEING A LIKEABLE PERSON FOR A CHANGE, I'M GOING TO TIE YOU UP."  
"Ugh. I knew you were into thick shit. Fine, here. Happy now?"  
"NO BECAUSE NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT VRISKA'S STUPID UGLY FACE AND IT'S FREAKING ME OUT."  
"Your own fault, thtupid. You should do what I'm doing and pretend you're watching Eridan. That alwayth doeth it for me."  
"WHAT? OH FUCK NO, DON'T SAY THAT, THAT IS JUST--"  
"No, really, try it."  
"--FUCK! There goes my hardon, THANKS SO MUCH--"  
"Pretend you're watching him fail at bathically everything he hath ever tried in hith life and he ith now dying sad and alone--"  
"FUCK! WHY ARE YOUR HANDS SO GODDAMN COLD?"  
"--On a--mmmmm, that'th nithe--rocky beach thomewhere far away from any other living thing--"  
"Unnnnnh... yeah...."  
"Crying two riverth of ridiculouth purple tearth--goddamn it don't thlow down, you're the one who athked for thith--becauthe the only lover he ever touched wath hith own creepy--do that again--webbed--hnnnngh-right hand--"  
"OH. OH MY FUCKING GOD. AH. OKAY I CHANGED MY MIND, DON'T STOP, AND THAT'S AN--AH!--ORDER FROM YOUR L-LEADER."  
"--and nobody loveth him at all, or even hateth him... other than... platonically--"  
"OH MY GOD THOSE DEADWEIGHTS DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH EVERYONE ELSE--"  
"Yeth! Yeth!"  
"--COMPLETELY HATES THEM--"  
"Hahhhhhhhhh!"  
"--BECAUSE THEY'RE SO--"  
"KK, fuck--"  
"--OH MY GOD YES OH GOD--"  
"don't--"  
"--IRREDEEMABLE WASTES OF **OHFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK--"**

And then, silence.

Silence in every color of the emotional rainbow filled the room. Every eye (and Terezi's nose) took in the the mortified face of the Prince of Hope and the rigor-stiff shoulders of the Thief of Light, who was clearly frozen at her workspace.

"I'm going to go, now," John Egbert decided aloud, and beat the rush for the transportalizer by a mere second. "I'm leaving too," Feferi glubbed, and followed on his heels. "I told the Heir I would show him the, um, thing!" Dave watched them go without expression, then gave a shrug and started a new game of Troll Tetris. Eridan had sunk to a puddle of purple fabric on the floor, and thus missed the total lack of horror or betrayal in his ex-moirail's eyes. Oh well.

 _"Ehehehe, I bet if I tell you what I caught Equiuth doing with a lowblood and a big red bucket latht thweep I can get you to make that noithe again."_  
"Fucking forget it, man. Equius who? I just... Where did you _learn_ that?"  
"The internet. "

"What in the name of your human Jegus did I just hear?" Kanaya asked Rose.

"I think I, uh, forgot my legs berightback--" Tavros squeaked, and pretty much fell out of the room in a single epic stumble.

From over the sound system, there came a strange muffled cawing. This evolved into the sound of two voices laughing wildly. The final transmission was a loud _crack_ , just before Vriska's workstation exploded in a red/blue/purple flash.

Welp.

\---

Psionics were pretty cool, but there was something to be said for good old-fashioned ass-kicking.

A few minutes ago, Sollux had proven this by aiming one final exhausted blow at Karkat's face. He had missed and gotten the leader of Team Adorabloodthirsty dead in the Cancer symbol instead. Karkat had given a startled grunt as the wind was knocked out of him. He had sailed backwards, whacked his shoulder on the wall, and sat down hard. That had been the end of the stupid fight over whether they were going to play this stupid prank.

A lot had happened since then, including (hopefully) an object lesson on listening at metaphorical eaves. Whatever those were. Probably some stupid human hive decorating thing. Also maybe a secondary demonstration on the topic of horn-grabbing.

In the present, Karkat was flailing like an upended wriggler in Terezi's scalemate pile. Squeaking plush dragon asses were squashed and kicked from the pile without mercy, adding to the mess on the floor. Watching this without comment, Sollux guessed Karkat's insane idea to troll the highbloods had been worthwhile, sort of. Even though it was embarrassing. No, wait. It had been great. Maybe even the best idea Karkat had had since they'd ended up on this dead rock in paradox space.

"Okay," Karkat finally said in an unsteady far-away voice. He sucked in a deep breath that sounded genuine. "Okay, Sollux, man. My shoulder. That was just MEAN."

"Deal with it." Sollux settled to the floor by the scalemate pile and wiped a single long yellow smear across his brow with the back of one shaking hand. The bleeding hadn't quite stopped and it was still a little drippy. Some time during the fight, Karkat had bitten him. On the forehead. Somehow. And the back of his neck. And elsewhere. The guilt that had been creeping up on Sollux immediately turned to a sense of bitchy vindication.

"You didn't have to break my face if you weren't into it." Karkat wheezed. He fumbled in the pile until he found a particularly stupid-faced green scalemate, and used it to dab at the seeping red scratches. "And you trashed my room." He examined his shoulder. "Fucking look at this, I'm going to have a permanent scar from your freaky retard teeth, I just know it."

"What part of 'no' weren't you parthing correctly, you idiot?" Sollux sighed. "Theriouthly, you are the dumbetht thon of a bitch thometimeth. Be glad I changed my mind."

"You always change your mind." Karkat growled. His head flopped back and a red scalemate yipped right in his ear. He resolved to bleed extra hard on that one. "I think I need to lie down." He realized that Terezi was going to sprain her tongue on him the next time he had the courage to go back out and face the underlings.

"I could point out that you _are_ lying down." Sollux put a hand to his jaw and worked it slowly. _Going to bruise,_ he mourned. It made him feel better about the shredded state of his best friend, but not much.

"Oh. Yeah. How about that." Silence for a minute, and then: "And where the _fuck_ are my pants?"

"I don't know. Over there thomewhere." Sollux gestured vaguely. "Athhole."

 _"Thaditht."_ Karkat shot back, and finally freed himself from the scalemate pile. God, it was a disaster in here. A snake-thin line of acrid blue smoke wafted up from the collapsed pile of keyboards. Karkat gave this a sour look, then went in search of his jeans. They turned out to have been draped, somehow, over a beehive. Mind honey was splattered all over them and he heard an ominous buzz from the hive when he tried briefly to peel a gooey leg free. "Fuck. Your psycho bees stole my pants."

Sollux just gave another dry snicker. "Heat of the moment. You ripped my shirt."

"These were my last pair." Karkat grumped. "And don't think you're getting out of here before you clean up this mess. Are you listening to me?"

"No, you'll jutht bring my headache back."

"Fine, whatever, fuck you very much." He gave up and let the jeans slap back down over the hive before he could be stung to death. "I can't believe you sometimes. We were only supposed to be pretending."

"I warned you about touching the hornth," Sollux said, mildly. And smiled just a little.

 

****  
_THE FUCKING END_   



End file.
